The Water Is Running.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm not even sure of what to wear sometimes. I need to be more aware of things. I wish I knew what you call this feeling I've been having.. knowing the changes you need to make to better your life yet you don't act upon them.. just sit around and watch and take pity upon yourself. I can fix everything. I have the power, and most of all I have the potential. Yet nothing's going anywhere. Yes you must do something. Get up off your ass and do something. Maybe it's because I feel I need someone to tell me. I second guess myself all the time, for any type of reason. Not being sure. Babble babble like a fucking brook. Or a creek. Or a fucking river. I thought I'd have more control over myself by this point in life, but I do love learning and that's a start. All talk and no action? There's some action. From the outside in I'm going to presume it's just not enough action. WHERE IS ALL MY ENERGY GOING?! Oh yeah it;s not. It's not really going anywhere. A stupid ass fucking debt that I've gotten myself into. A stupid ass rut, a stupid ass state of mind. Getting in touch with reality. Don't even let me start on the subject. Having fun can't be part of the equation. They must be separate. I have to learn how to separate everything. I have to learn how to care. I can't just shove these emotions into my face. You can't see them cause they're not fucking there. So young, so eager to please everyone, not even fucking pleasing myself. That's why I'm not going anywhere. Must create logical goals, goals that I know I can accomplish, goals I can expand on after I've reached them. Strains of words, strings of thought, processing memories and turning them into knowledge. High school. I miss parts of it. I really do. I miss parts of college. I miss the girl I used to be, before I had to grow up. Growing is beautiful and ugly, as most things are in life. More than one side to everything. Polyhedron. Shapeless. Driftless. I'm leaving the tap on and letting it all spill out. I suppose this is kind of like venting. Venting to the world, venting to myself. At least the words are here for me to retrace. Later, I might even feel the way I did WHEN I typed this out. It's always been there though, in front of my eyes. Less passive? Is that what I should become? HOW DO I DO THAT?! Learning. More work. Less lazy.

Now, the other pieces of my life. I'm not even sure what to say of it. It's awesome, it's a rollercoaster ride I don't want to get off of, ever. I have a significant other that teaches me new things everyday, even when I'm not with him. I have nothing else to say.

I need to do more fixing on me before he runs out of brain explosions.
It kinda scares me. I'm scared of changing for someone.
Is that even what this is about? I mean.. fuck.


I don't know.

I still don't know.
Gotta start SOMEWHERE.