Love is Bliss, Fuck Ignorance!

Gregory Mazur is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. His mind is so interesting! I wish I could elaborate more, but I feel like I'm lovestruck or something of the sort. I just can't believe we've been dating over 8 months already! It still feels like the first month. We still have so much to learn about each other. We still miss each other all the time, and we still admire spending time with each other. I feel duhhh right now, I can't explain how deeply I feel for him. He makes me a better person. He makes me feel like I'm human, and he sees flaw, which is the most important part. Greg is also flawed, and together we're experiencing life and becoming greater and greater with each passing day. My non anatomical heart goes a flutter.

Wow, Way To Forget!

Definitely only started driving school 2 WEEKS AGO, but I'm on my third in car lesson already. Yay, go me! College looks like it'll be in January 2012. We shall see how things pan out.

Jobless, again, go fucking figure.

Piecing.

Job @ Java Joe's for almost 3 weeks now? SWEET ASS.

Greg's 26th birthday on the 13th of November. I already bought him an industrial piercing.

Driving school = extremely soon.

College = later.

<3

No Pity.

My life is crumbling.

He's the temporary glue, but I need to step it up 5 notches.
I need to stabilize myself, without him there. Independant. Solid.

Sitting here, listening to my sugarbean play his guitar.. trying to escape?
I find him beautiful in every possible way. He wants what's best for me. He cares.

And now I find myself realizing what a shitty person I've turned into. Actions speak louder than words. I have to stop saying and actually doing. That's the end of it.

The Water Is Running.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm not even sure of what to wear sometimes. I need to be more aware of things. I wish I knew what you call this feeling I've been having.. knowing the changes you need to make to better your life yet you don't act upon them.. just sit around and watch and take pity upon yourself. I can fix everything. I have the power, and most of all I have the potential. Yet nothing's going anywhere. Yes you must do something. Get up off your ass and do something. Maybe it's because I feel I need someone to tell me. I second guess myself all the time, for any type of reason. Not being sure. Babble babble like a fucking brook. Or a creek. Or a fucking river. I thought I'd have more control over myself by this point in life, but I do love learning and that's a start. All talk and no action? There's some action. From the outside in I'm going to presume it's just not enough action. WHERE IS ALL MY ENERGY GOING?! Oh yeah it;s not. It's not really going anywhere. A stupid ass fucking debt that I've gotten myself into. A stupid ass rut, a stupid ass state of mind. Getting in touch with reality. Don't even let me start on the subject. Having fun can't be part of the equation. They must be separate. I have to learn how to separate everything. I have to learn how to care. I can't just shove these emotions into my face. You can't see them cause they're not fucking there. So young, so eager to please everyone, not even fucking pleasing myself. That's why I'm not going anywhere. Must create logical goals, goals that I know I can accomplish, goals I can expand on after I've reached them. Strains of words, strings of thought, processing memories and turning them into knowledge. High school. I miss parts of it. I really do. I miss parts of college. I miss the girl I used to be, before I had to grow up. Growing is beautiful and ugly, as most things are in life. More than one side to everything. Polyhedron. Shapeless. Driftless. I'm leaving the tap on and letting it all spill out. I suppose this is kind of like venting. Venting to the world, venting to myself. At least the words are here for me to retrace. Later, I might even feel the way I did WHEN I typed this out. It's always been there though, in front of my eyes. Less passive? Is that what I should become? HOW DO I DO THAT?! Learning. More work. Less lazy.

Now, the other pieces of my life. I'm not even sure what to say of it. It's awesome, it's a rollercoaster ride I don't want to get off of, ever. I have a significant other that teaches me new things everyday, even when I'm not with him. I have nothing else to say.

I need to do more fixing on me before he runs out of brain explosions.
It kinda scares me. I'm scared of changing for someone.
Is that even what this is about? I mean.. fuck.


I don't know.

I still don't know.
Gotta start SOMEWHERE.

Hot Hot Heat.

The humidity and heat have been killing me. I wish they were helping me shed pounds! I am shedding a lot of sweat though, a lot of toxins. I haven't been doing hard drugs for probably around a month. Go me! I'm sipping on half ice cubes and half fruit punch. JUDGE IT, COLD! Ice ice baby.

SURPRISE! I am leaving to Cuba on Tuesday, at 6:20AM woohoo! I'm going to miss my sugarbean but I think it's a needed break. I am currently finishing the hoards of laundry I seemed to have acquired. Then I can properly start packing my suitcase for this splendid trip with my mother and little sister.

I have been getting into the groove of having a boyfriend. It's nice. What a change. And wow, have I opened wider. My mind, not narrow, no doubt in my mind that this is what I'm here for.

This burden though, this ongoing debt, it eats away at my confidence. It nibbles ever so gently on my cares, my concentration, my faith in reality. I'm turning into a monster. I suppose I'm at the half-way point. This is where I decide, or where I get lost. I want to find the end.. I see it, but I can't feel it. Help me ride this out. Let me be the bigger person. I can do this. Positivity. Positivity. Positivity.

And So It Begins...

It's been delicious days with sugarbean. His real name is Greg. Greg is definitely my boyfriend. Times seems to slip when I'm with him, slip into my non-anatomical heart that is! He treats me wonderfully, possibly even better. We feed each other with affection and ideas. How enthralling!

Debt issues are still here, raging within my world. In the next couple months my life will be devoted to downing the numbers. Hopefully I get the job at Xtreme Pita with kiteJenn.

Sitting at home and doing nothing isn't so available anymore. Greg takes up a lot of my time, not that I mind. I feel more productive, and I feel more motivation to GO OUTSIDE and do things. I've become involved in his band, which is AWESOME by the way. Impulse @ Myspace! Click me to check them out!

I've been sliding and falling. Learning though. I need to get more active. I need to lose a little bit of weight. I need to apply to college again for 2011. I need to cut down on smoking cigarettes before I can even make a claim like I'm going to quit.

I need to rekindle some friendships. Perhaps, re-steer and re-evaluate some as well.

I want to photograph more often. I need a better camera. G2 after Buffalo trip in September?
Too many things in my head. Should be stoned to separate them, hah.